Old Man Dancing

Bored.

You are bored as wood. And although you tell yourself you aren't lonely, you try a little too hard to believe it. Take another sip on your third gin and tonic and peek out the window.

You see the old man across the street - in the slice of space between the drapes in his living room window. You know it's his living room because you've observed the old man many times before. The side of a rust-colored easy chair. Part of a picture. The entry to a small ktichen in the background. This is about all you have seen.

You know the picture is of a woman because of the night you took out the binoculars...a night when the drapes were open wider than usual. Wider than even tonight. Couldn't quite tell if that picture was a photograph or a painting. Becasue of its size, you guessed a painting. Now you are not so sure.

It's a portrait of an attractive woman wearing an elegant black dress. Dark hair frames an angular face. With the binoculars, you thought you could see the beginnings of delicate lines around the eyes. You remember thinking that even had the lines not actually been visible, the artist made her more beautiful by the addition of those fine strokes mapping her life.

And you remember wondering why you thought that.

Sometimes, a cat is resplendently perched in one of the old man's windowsills. It never quite looks like the same cat, but given the darkness and the distance and the mysterious nature of cats, who the hell can tell? Not you.

Tonight the old man is up late. It is nearly midnight and he is milling about - gaining momentum as the clock and calendar approach. Pacing now. His sillouhette passes through the slit of the drapes every few moments.

The oddly cylindrical effect of the binoculars adds an avant garde quality to your vision. The old man has quit moving. Minutes pass. Your eyes strained, you lower the binoculars.

Finishing off the gin and tonic, you flip on the TV. Not that there's much difference, but you notice that Letterman is having a particularly bad hair night. He is talking to some CEO of some Internet company. TV off.

The old man has moved. He is out of your line of vision. Then, through the binoculars, one of his pants trousers appears briefly and is gone. You are about to call it a night when he reemerges in full. What is the crazy codger doing? He's dressed up...in a suit and tie. His movement is graceful. Circular. Fluid. Slow. You suddenly realize this isn't something you wish to witness. You are feeling something like anger - or maybe it's embarassment - and toss the binoculars onto the couch. Pull your curtains tight. Head straight to bed after draining the gin and tonic, the polished ice cubes falling gently like shattered glass against your lips.

You climb into the cold sheets and this bond between you and the old man is perturbational. With eyes closed, the image of that painting begins to feel like an apparition hovering just above you. Then a thought you know is going to need one more drink if you are to get any rest at all: Today is February 14th and the old man is different from you. He once had someone with whom he still misses enough to dance.

Awesome Super Powers (Austin Stupid Powers?)

[The image above was found on a now-defunct? blog credited to Adam Mathes - thanks Adam!]

Since those goddamned Hollywood writers are still on strike (why is it that throughout history, writers are always the ones stirring the pot?), that means no more "Heroes," no more "Pushing Daisies," no more "My Name is Earl" and no more "Reaper." Thankfully, I think that my "Everest: Beyond The Limit" is untouchable.

But no "Heroes?" WTF!?!

So, that got me to thinking about "super powers." Everybody would like to fly - that's a no-brainer. (Well, maybe those with altophobia - but would having this power make a fear of heights go away? How about aviophobics? Surely the fear of flying would disappear?)

What about the lesser-known powers? Are there any you can think of? What are the implications of having such powers? I offer a few - and a forum - for you:

1) Power to telepathically interact with and manipulate any electronic/mechanical device.

- The reason I'd like this one so much is primarily because of what I could do while driving. That dickhead who gets in the far right lane at a stoplight even though it is clearly marked on the road and via signs that "his" lane ends in 50 yards - because he is too special to get in line like the rest of us? ZAP! I'd temporarily make his engine shut off. That asshole in the SUV driving 75 mph during a snowstorm (why is it always the SUV driver)? POW! I'd force his power-steering to steer that bastard into a ditch...thereby making the rest of us a little safer. (Would I care if he or she got hurt? Maybe a little...but truth be told - they are putting themselves and everyone else at risk - so I doubt I'd lose sleep over it.) Man, this would be a fun power to have! I only hope I could be entrusted to use it righteously instead of self-righteously. The other no-holds-barred, completely selfish reason I'd like this one? Never again would I have to stop at a stoplight!

2) Power to make pet-poop and piss just disappear.

- How awesome would that be? If you don't have a menagerie of 6 pets like me and Sweetness do, the magic of this one may be lost on you. Trust me...it would be such a magical, time-saving delight to possess this power.

3) Power to time-travel.

- Where - and when - do you think you'd spend most of your time? Who would you really like to spend a few days with? Why? If you could only travel once (forward or backward) when and where would it be? Why? If there was a 1% chance that you'd get stuck there, would it change your answer as to the 'where' and the 'when'? Would you still take the chance? (I like this power and these questions because I think it reveals a lot about a person. Maybe I'll reply in the "comments.")

4) Power to communicate with animals at least as effectively as I can with humans - and them with me.

I'm not sure how this would work - or what it would sound like - but I know I'd dig it. When the dog starts panting and getting all excited - and I know it's not food or potty-related, I could just ask her, "Yo. What are you all juked-up about, dawg?" It would be cool to know what's going on in her mind when she seems to be so aggressive toward humans of a certain pigmentation. We sure as heck didn't teach her that. Also, I'd like to know what ails the dog and kitties on those days they seem to not be feeling well. And I 'd give anything to know the answer to this: Hey Cat, what the heck is up with chasing your own tail with such ferocity that you knock the wind out of yourself? Do you REALLY think it's not a part of YOU?

What else can you think of?