Funniest Effing Things I've Heard in Awhile

"It was there when I was still alive."
(My good friend LT, discussing a landmark from her hometown.)

"Are you trying to poison me with your boobs?"
(Cranial Midget, to Sweetness, after kissing her bare right breast. I'd just showered and applied deodorant. Shortly after that, we were in preseason mode. I draped my arm across her chest just before the nuzzle. Her boob tasted like a combination of "Off" and strychnine. It took me a moment to realize what had happened...and even longer to recover.)

"Ouch!"
(CM, again to Sweetness, just moments after the above incident. This was my response to having a moustache hair yanked from my lip via her earring. Hey - I never said I was Cyrano de Romeo...)

"General Peter Pace said he didn't want homosexuals in his army. Well Peter, at least they know when to pull out of a shit hole." (Bill Maher, on his HBO special, "The Decider.")

"I always exaggerate."
(My friend, Dr. Do Little.)

Transcript from google chat:
Monkey: These emoticons are campy and girly and should only be used by gay or emasculated men.
CM: But what about non-emasculated straight men like me who adore David Bowie and Barney Frank?
Monkey: That's okay - as long as it's not both. One or the other.
CM: Why not?
Monkey: Because they're not artistic enough for Bowie and they don't look young enough for Barney.

And, speaking of Bowie (though it's far more funny to see the video):
"Does the space cold make your nipples go pointy, Bowie?
Do you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antennae to transmit data back to
Earth?" (From "Flight of the Conchords," Episode 6: Bowie)

Genesis Redux

As promised, the Cranial Midget explains (or tries to provide some sort of illumination regarding) the rationale behind the second word of his blog's title. (If you missed the explanation of "hopeful," scroll down to "Genesis.")

The American Heritage Dictionary defines "curmudgeon" as "an ill-tempered person full of resentment and stubborn notions." Etymologically, the word first appeared in print nearly 500 years ago, and most etymologists concede that its origins remain a mystery.

So that leaves us with nothing but the definition to play with. And play we will...

Does the definition "fit" the Cranial Midget? While I concede that I most certainly possess stubborn notions, the ill-tempered person full of resentment label is more difficult.

My stubborn notions include things like: believing people should be kind to one another and to animals...we should try much more than we do to be good stewards of the earth...working just to make a buck is a sad waste of one's existence...big pharmaceutical companies and health insurance companies should be banned from lobbying legislators (and should probably be forced into "non-profit" status)...you are either part of the problem or you are part of the solution (regardless of the problem)- and living in the suburbs is part of the problem; those who contribute to suburban sprawl and then want to kill the wildlife (mountain lions, bears, wolves, alligators, etc) that threatens their babies and domesticated pets should themselves be shot...if America used its wealth and power more for humanitarian purposes and less for destructive purposes, it would have far greater success in achieving the ends it desires than by current methods...prosperous, prospective parents in the developed world should think more about adopting babies than creating replicas of themselves in their own image and likeness (and doing so shouldn't cost a friggin' arm and a leg)...the Kansas City Royals will play meaningful baseball games in September next year...Yankees fans who don't live in New York or weren't born there should be permanently demoted to double A fan-dom somewhere within Dante's 6th circle of hardball hell - say, the Tulsa Drillers, maybe?

Shewww...

...and those are just a few of my stubborn notions...

I concede: there are an almost infinite number of stubborn notions I possess which I firmly believe - should I awaken tomorrow endowed as dictator of the world - would make the world a better place. And some of them are quite stubborn. I relish inviting you to try banishing one of the above brain-barnacles from me.

But do I walk around in my internal daily life full of resentment, spewing vitrol and bitterness, ill-tempered and angry? No. (Well, okay - some days are better than others - but as a rule? Huh-uh...that ain't me.)

Hence, softening the hard edges of "curmudgeon" with the sweetly effervescent "hope." The word starts deep in the throat, with an exhalation, turning in the mouth to the "O" of surprise, of awe, demonstrating one's capacity for curiosity, realizing there is much still unknown, much to be enthused by and about. It ends with the satisfying smack of the lips...as in an air kiss or the culmination of a delightful culinary experience.

"Hope" is a great word (and an indispensible thing to have when needed), and not something I meant to diss(miss) too summarily in the last posting.

I'll just refer back to Lord Byron's quote and leave it with this: What the hell is wrong with "hollow-cheeked harlots?" Now, they give me hope...

Genesis

In the beginning was the word. Words begat phrases and phrases begat names. Why did I choose "Hopeful Curmudgeon" as a name?

One thing at a time, dear cicadas. Let's begin with "hope," from which "hopeful" is derived. Hope, like happiness (and like most pharmaceutical drugs), is overrated and abused (at least, in America). But I wanted to offset the negative connotations of the second word in the blog name with the misperceived connotations of the first.

Etymologically, hope comes from the Old English "hopian," meaning "wish, expect, look forward to something." Some wordophiles suggest there is a connection with the verb "hop," as in "leaping in expectation."

Whatever.

The point is that if you are seeking hope, it implies you are not content with the present...with the moment - the now. It implies you want something you currently don't have, or you wish things were different than they actually are right now.

Hey, I don't deny there have been times in my life that I needed hope. I needed it more than I did the next hit of that sweet, sweet liquid or smoke. In fact, I needed hope in order to not take another hit of the sweet stuff that had turned so sour - and had made me bitter. I also needed it several years ago, when I'd lost a job I hated but subsequently struggled to find something else. I'd nearly given up, was close to throwing in the humanitarian towel and going to work for the Man...helping rich people get richer, when voila! something decent came through.

So I've been there - many times. And I undoubtedly will find myself in an untenable place again.

But in the meantime, I am gonna breathe THIS breath...feel the earth under THIS step...and fully appreciate all that I DO have right now. And the next time I think I need hope, maybe one of you will remind me of this truth:

Most of us here in the so-called developed world have everything we need. Your life will never be any better than it is right now (since it is always now). Waiting to enjoy it until some future something comes along or goes away places you in a perpeptual state of Never-Never land...might as well dig it as it is.

Lest you think I am on the verge of sounding hopeful, check back. I'll explain the use of "curmudgeon" soon.

So, what does "hope" mean to you? What am I missing? What do you think?

CM