Is Bigfoot a Vegetarian?

I sure as hell hope so!

Me and Mortgage Partner are gearing up for the Big Day...and hence, the Big Week to follow. Our post-ceremonial vacation (what is commonly referred to as "the honeymoon") should be spectacular.

We head to the great Northwest the day after the Big Gig...to northern California and southern Oregon. For three of our seven days, we will be immersed in the heart of Bigfoot country. Though (like the god-thing) I do not consider myself a believer, neither am I so closed-minded as to be a staunchly rabid sceptic (from the greek: skeptomai, to look about, to consider).

An ancient myth dating back at least 400 years in North America (the term sasquatch is a Native American word for "hairy giant"), no hard evidence (bones, skulls, genetically distinct hair) supporting their existence has ever been discovered. It doesn't help the believer's cause that A) two hoax films have been uncovered, B) a corpse known as "The Minnesota Iceman" raised more questions than it answered (it's a great story, involving J. Edgar Hoover, The Smithsonian Institute, a carnival owner and an eccentric millionaire), C) people have been caught creating false prints with special boots that have large wooden feet on the bottom, or that D) a company even mass-produced strap-on feet so that you could prank friends and family.

I think the best story I've run across yet is that of Albert Ostman, a Canadian lumberjack. It was 1924. Albert was prospecting for gold when he claims to have been captured by a family of Bigfoots. The held him hostage for a week before he finally escaped. He didn't tell anyone about the incident until 1957 because - get this - he didn't want people to think he was crazy! My favorite part of Albert's tale is that the Yetis are apparently a progressive bunch, shunning traditional roles: Father and Daughter guarded him while Son and Mom prepared the meals. (Or maybe the boy was just a good cook and the daughter was a great softball player :).

Okay...maybe that's NOT the best story about Bigfoot...maybe THIS one is: Mortgage Partner agreed to marry me because she found out my college nickname was "Bigfoot" for a reason!

Q: Is Hell Freezing Over?

A: No...I just finally came to my senses.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard that phrase in the past month or so - ever since I went public with the news that Mortgage Partner and I will be pulling the trigger on this relationship thing. (Not to be confused with "pulling the plug..." In my cartoon head, "pulling the trigger" is akin to "finalizing," whereas the former is more like "abandoning." Yeah: I am a cheesy romantic sap - I know.)

Some of the more memorable verbal reactions:

"Get the fuck out of here! Cranial Midget is NOT getting married!!!" I heard this one through the phone line, as a good friend's wife (who probably knows me better through "reputation" than through reality) was told of the news.

"Excuse me?" said a co-worker. He then turned around so his ass was facing me, and said, "Could you tell me if pigs are flying out my butt?"

"Well, I guess we can finally put the door back on its hinges," said an old friend, referring to a semi-public facility where - a long time ago, when I was in my late-teens/early twenties - I would often go to have sex. Seedy stuff: it was the back room of a gathering place and the table, which took up most of the space in the small room, was just the right height. The old crusty bass turds who ran the place (and who weren't getting laid) were jealous and decided to take the door off its hinges.

And, just last weekend, I was given this gem: "Can I tell you something? Something my mom always sat me down and told me whenever I had been dating a boy for more than a few months?" asked a friend. "The fucking stops and the fighting starts when you get married. Don't ever get married, darling. That was about the only advice my mother ever offered me...now I offer it to you."

"Wow. That is so awesome! I never thought I'd live to see the day...she must be pretty special. You two must have a lot of fun together," exclaimed one of my less-jaded friends.

Yeah...yes she is. And yes - yes we do.

Having Mortgage Partner in my life is like getting a whole new box of crayons and a brand new coloring book, adding dimensions to my existence I never knew...opening my eyes to colors I didn't know were there.

And: she doesn't mind the fact that I still can't (won't?) draw inside the lines! (Although she prefers it when I do.)

Keepin' the Streak Alive

Movie Quotes:

"There are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary. And there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance."

- - Bull Durham

"A good friend of mine used to say, 'This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.' Think about that for a while."

- - Bull Durham

"Well I can't rightly say which player hit the ball hardest, but the home runs Babe Ruth hit got smaller quicker." - Walter Johnson in Ken Burns' "Baseball"

Good Ol' Yogi:

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"I didn't really say everything I said."

American Zen:

"See if you can notice when you're hitting and not paying attention. The way to learn to pay attention is to notice when you're not paying attention."

- - Jeff McKay, founder of Be Your Own Coach Baseball Camp